My mother tells me exactly how this day went 19 years ago
How the sun set and the moon rose
How the plane endured the winds anger
She describes the brightness of my orange jacket
She tells me of the tears that landed on my four year-old head
She tells me of the anxiety and fear that her and my father began to birth that day
She tells me that there was no return to their old life
She says despite everything we were crossing oceans and borders together and that’s all that’s ever mattered.
-The day we came to America
I told myself you will learn
That my past told stories
It was Just the source of my beginning
I told myself you will never accept love that isn’t complete
But somehow I found myself once again unable to leave a place I knew so well
The walls were freshly painted but it was still the same walls
The furniture smelled different but looked the same
the ground was still uneven and balance was impossible
He was still him
The past sometimes likes to find itself in the present.
Sometimes I sit still
In that stillness I find every piece of me and greet it
I’ve heard that’s how self love begins.
“Do you still look for him when you’re with me?”
I wonder how do I split a lie out of the truth?
How do I pretend that my eyes didn’t just whisper his name?
How do I convince my tongue to say I only want you?
The most beautiful thing about being heartbroken is realizing that despite everything you’ll always be okay.
I’m listening to our favorite album
Not because I miss you
But because I miss the moment that made this album special
I’m reminded of how easily I can make love last even when it’s gone
I can turn a song into a feeling
I can turn an album into a tunnel that connects me to you.
I tell myself
I must listen
The same way I wait for the moons prayers
I tell myself you must love
The same way my mother did when she taught me how to catch my breath
I tell myself you must enjoy
The same way my grandfather listens to music in his coveted chair
I tell myself you must learn to forgive
The same way you learned to love, without any conditions.