He doesn’t love you. Happiness doesn’t taste like your tears at 3am. Happiness isn’t a reflection of your insecurities. Happiness isn’t about forgiving when you know you shouldn’t. Happiness isn’t about making that man the “one” when the only one that needs love is you.Happiness won’t make you feel empty when he’s not around. He can say you’re beautiful, and that he needs you you but darling he doesn’t love you.
I loved you so much
I even gave you the love I had for myself
That is how love hurts
It doesn’t care if it leaves you with nothing
It makes you feel like you lost everything because you were nothing
-How I loved you
It will break you. You will wake you up in the middle of the night in tears and in fear. You will keep your door closed in hopes it will keep you safe from your feelings. You will feel as if you will never be okay. As if the pain will keep consuming your every thought. You will be afraid of his touch even if it’s full of love.
It will break you but it will not destroy you.
It is tough sitting in the rain everyday. Battling your mind and reliving all that destroys your insides. To be soaked in pain and lost in vain. Looking at your hands and wondering what they were destined to make. Looking at your legs wondering where they were meant to go. Looking at your reflection wondering who that is. The rain taught me to wait. To wait for beauty to arise from tragedy. To wait for the sunshine that will warm my hands, kiss my legs and burn in my soul. I’ll dance in the rain with my daisy chain, as the water blends with my tears and the fear will simply dissipatates.
I think about you everyday. I feel like you are the only person who sees the war inside me. I toss and turn at night, wondering what your new life is like. What’s it like? Are the rumors true? Is living in paradise truly all that? But every single day you seem farther away. I carry you in my wrist, as if you were rushing through my veins. I hug my pillow, like a child hugs a bear. Looking for comfort and warmth in something that isn’t even really there. You’re the only memory I revisit everyday. When, I graduate I will walk up with you on stage. I will hold my diploma as I hold you inside. When, I get married I will walk with you on the opposite side of my father. You will hold on tight till we see my husband on the other side. When I have my first child, you will be in the room smiling at the face of my infant. When, I grow old and can no longer walk, you will push my wheelchair as I did with yours. One day if I’m lucky, I will trace your moles and scars one more time. I will smile at you and no longer have to miss you.
I stayed in the darkest corners. My soul disappeared into my deepest pain. He slit my throat and stole my words. My body was numb and my heart was dry. Only light I saw was when I closed my eyes. I forgot about gravity and my body flipped with every rotation of the earth. My eyelids were heavy and my lips were full of cuts. The world he gave me crumbled and I slept on top of the destruction. I cried into the ocean and spoke to God. I found Jesus before I found the devil. He told me to make my own water and to part the seas. I delivered myself from evil, and covered the cuts with salt. The pain would evade but my soul was forever changed. I was alive, resurrected from the pain.I conquered my demons with nothing but my bare hand. In their grave they laid, along with all my doubt and sorrow. I gasped for air no longer afraid.
They weren’t meant to have it easy. They were both broken; trying to find comfort in a world that was designed to destroy them. They hid their brokenness but soon realized that they weren’t meant to slowly crumble. They were meant to be defiant, exhilarant, and rebellious. They were meant to find that you don’t have to die in order to feel alive.