My mother tells me exactly how this day went 19 years ago
How the sun set and the moon rose
How the plane endured the winds anger
She describes the brightness of my orange jacket
She tells me of the tears that landed on my four year-old head
She tells me of the anxiety and fear that her and my father began to birth that day
She tells me that there was no return to their old life
She says despite everything we were crossing oceans and borders together and that’s all that’s ever mattered.
-The day we came to America
I tell him I’m used to the silence
The silence is what becomes of me after I’ve exhausted
all of my dignity
I tell him at one point I thought I prayed for you
I tell him at one point I did pray for you
I tell him about the day I began waking up feeling at peace
It was like the night sky was gently placing me in the new day
I tell him about the night I wrote falling in love for the second time feels like catching the sunset but this time actually timing it right
I tell him about the dreams I had
How my dreams would bring him in when I couldn’t see him
I tell him about all the poems that were still waiting for him
I tell him I wish you could stay
I tell him if the rain and sunlight have made an agreement on when they will be why couldn’t we?
Instead I tell him take care.
I told myself you will learn
That my past told stories
It was Just the source of my beginning
I told myself you will never accept love that isn’t complete
But somehow I found myself once again unable to leave a place I knew so well
The walls were freshly painted but it was still the same walls
The furniture smelled different but looked the same
the ground was still uneven and balance was impossible
He was still him
The past sometimes likes to find itself in the present.
Sometimes I sit still
In that stillness I find every piece of me and greet it
I’ve heard that’s how self love begins.
“Do you still look for him when you’re with me?”
I wonder how do I split a lie out of the truth?
How do I pretend that my eyes didn’t just whisper his name?
How do I convince my tongue to say I only want you?
The most beautiful thing about being heartbroken is realizing that despite everything you’ll always be okay.
The thought of you clings to my skin like coconut oil. These memories run their fingers down my body hoping I never escape them.