No one tells you how grief works. It doesn’t end with the funeral. It comes back in seasons and sits comfortably in your lap, palms and heart. You know this sadness it taste the same every year. Some days, you think of her and smile. Other days, you weep your tears dry. You pull the weeds and they grow again. It never end. Grief is the ex-lover that calls every now and then.
I had never felt more alone in my life. I was losing my sanity and then I lost him. Someone, who made me feel like every move I made was was worth taking notice of. Someone who made me feel vibrant when I wore black and beautiful even when I didn’t smile. Yet, he didn’t choose me. Perhaps, I didn’t shake his soul like he did with mine. I was alone and in my silence I reminded myself I was enough. I was worthy of love. his choices do not dictate my worth. As, the darkness entered my eyes i knew that my love was worth the fight even if it wasn’t his.
It was scary loving you because there was no guarantee you would love me back. I was by no means perfect. I was so flawed even my best qualities lacked something unique. Yet, I could guarantee one thing. That even when you’re angry, sad or happy I would love you indefinetly.
She asked me, how are you not depressed? life has been destroying your conscience and obliterating everything you once understood. I replied, I can’t hate the world even when it feels like it hates me. I am too infatuated with the purity of love and the rapture of passion. My drive derives from the notions of creativity, I am alive. That’s why with all the pain and struggle, I fall in love with life every single time. I can’t describe it at times but in desolation the one thing that made me ignite was the reminder that I am alive.